I'm a frazzled dazzled beast without the dazzle. I have no real reason to move and groove, but I do, along with my heart. There's a beat beat beat and I can't figure out why. So here's what I do, or what I try to do, or want to do... except I don't want so never mind. I try to throw myself around the world and find myself or a reason for that beating and I fail. I come back and curl up and continue to die without opposition except for my skin staying tight. I think and I think and that's all I can do. I can love sometimes, too, but I've been told if you can only love others and not yourself it's not worth it–so I guess that's wrong too.
What if all I want is to be a wife or a mother? It goes against everything I've lived for and I can't give in to that life that degrades women, puts them in their place, and gives me no life of my own. I must have been conditioned by society, family, you. Fuck you and fuck all of that I'll slap the pan out of your hand and watch the glasses smash. No really, that IS what I want! Go to my room and rip everything. Become my own tornado and create a mess I have to clean rather than a past I have to sort through.
I'm fluids and bones and brain and body. Or stars. Whichever it is I'm still heavy, I still sink with the weight of no desire. I've been told I should find God and then I will feel lifted. I've been told I should find God by people who don't believe. Perhaps that means I'm hopeless. My mind is infinite space and I can't see the end and I can't get it to slow down... like two mirrors looking at each other, parallel. I can get locked in there, amid all the words that only have the meaning I've been taught, I can't even twist my prison and decorate with fancy misconstructions of what is because all I have is input and any output from me would be the same. Adderral is scary for it makes me forget of anything outside my skull. Sometimes I don't even make connections between words.
I write like this because I think like this and it sucks for me and you. Maybe next time I will fit it into squares so then we can relate.
I'm gonna call you out, though:
ReplyDeleteDo you really think that my life degrades women? That by taking on the roles that I have, I somehow cease to matter? 'cause Fuck That. I damn well CHOSE this life, which is my prerogative as a freaking PERSON, and if you think you, as a woman, "Can't give in to that life" then you are the one who is being held back by not being allowed to make a CHOICE that you want to make.
Feminism is about being able to make your own decisions and live your own life the same as anyone else, male or female. To say a woman "can't" be a homemaker and still be a valid person is just the same as saying that a woman can't do anything but be a homemaker and still matter.
I will fight you on this point. I don't want my girls to grow up thinking ANYTHING is off limits just because they are female...if they want to be construction workers-awesome. if they want to be scientists-awesome. if they want to be moms, secretaries, administrators, inventors, painters, stonemasons, whatever...that's what I want them to do. none of this "you're a strong woman so therefore these choices aren't open to you." That would be almost like saying "ah, you're a strong woman which makes you the same as a man, and therefore you must play a mans role and be restricted by the same gender specific boundaries a man would be." Which actually says a lot about the 'rules' males are subject to...
Being a wife and mother does not at all take away your entire life. I'm not saying it is super easy, but my husband and my kids sure as hell do not "own" me like a slave. In fact, If you have no life of your own other than being a wife and mother with no personality, interests, passions, musings, breaks...then chances are you have deeper issues and chances are hiding inside a pre-constructed role to avoid confronting yourself, and chances are you're not doing a great job as a wife or mother either. Doing things to cultivate mySelf makes me a better person, and therefore a better mother and wife.
but anyway, beyond that...
your brain sounds just like mine. destroying things does help. build something to destroy, go into the woods and shriek and scream and cry and rage...it helps.
and forget fitting into a square. the square is an illusion, some more 'could should would' imposed by society to destroy your human-ness and the raw emotion, and terrifying bigness of you, so you can be a good little sheep and not rock the boat. Ignore the square, be yourself, and make your own damn choices.
even if the choice you want to make feels off limits.
Love you.