Sitting in LAX about to board my flight to Denver. I'm back in the USA. I just smile to myself, laugh a little, and turn my face into my palms so no strangers can see my tears. I did it. I went to NZ. I thrived. I'm back.
Wow
Friday, July 6, 2012
Thursday, July 5, 2012
This should be profound.
But I don't think I can muster it. If only because I feel so incredibly anxious about going home, I'm not quite in a "reflecting" mood since that will just increase my sweat.
I think I actually feel more anxiety about going home than I did about coming to New Zealand... I don't know how it turned out that way since for so much of my trip I dreamt of the day I could go home and be embraced by familiarity.
Now that it is here, though, I feel a foreboding sense of dread. Perhaps it's because it's no longer just a distant dream, and since it has now become reality all those cute little fantasies of arriving in the airport are replaced with surreal images of me sitting in my living room a week from now, looking through my New Zealand photos while, in the next room my mother rests after her chemo treatment. I stay on the couch all night as most of my friends are out of town and the few that aren't are at a Televermin concert, which I will refuse to attend because it's too frustrating trying to fit my new self in with my old life... especially since my old life has moved on without me anyway.
Before now I pictured home as it was a few years ago, not as it is now. The same problem occured when I worked at Channery Hill. I'd always picture home as it was when my parents were still together and before I'd had a broken heart-which seems to take another beating everytime I return. But upon my arrival, time catches up with me, and I realize what I was really looking forward to were only memories.
I suppose this time I'm just trying to prepare myself for hitting that wall of realization.
Here's another aspect of why I may be so anxious:
When coming to New Zealand I had a return ticket. Going back to the US... well, if anything I have a "you must stay" ticket in the form of a college enrollment. I've checked out the Hendrix 2016 facebook page and it is absolutely overwhelming. So many of my classmates "can't wait till Aug. 14!" And they've all been keeping up with orientation details and meeting eachother and e-mailing their roomates... I feel so estranged. And if anything, their eagerness annoys me! There's a little voice in the back of my head saying, "don't you know how much work you'll have to do! How stressed you'll be! How little time you'll have! Stop wishing away your free time!!"
It will be an entirely different world for me. Here, life had very few obligations and I didn't have anyone putting pressure on me to excel academically (which, btw, always ends up being me). And I still sometimes wonder if I would have felt this un-excited if I had chosen Eckerd. But, I have my reasons, and I think with those reasons, I made the right decision.
And the final, obvious reason for my anxiety, is massive international plane travel including immigration and customs. If I actually make it to Nashville by my scheduled arrival time, it will be a miracle.
But enough. Although I spent this entire blog post explaining why it is I may have these negative feelings about coming home, I will wrap up by saying, I am still excited about seeing all of those people I've been missing for so long, even if it means struggling with life dramas. I love you all and I've missed you incredibly. I just wish I could gather you up and bring you into this mostly care-free world. Perhaps it would cure all the broken hearts, all the diseases, all the debt, and all the fear that is amoung us.
This trip has taught me, amoung a vast amount of other lessons, that life doesn't have to be so serious. It's just one life. We all live and die and what happens in between is ultimately irrelevant (except in relation to our mother earth, in which case, we should refrain from hurting her). So have fun, revel in love, take it slow, be kind, and just let the road take you.
And I spose I should remember that, too. My road isn't ending, it's just becoming a little less foreign.
Until I see you, tomorrow (ish),
my love is sent.
SWEET AS, BRO
I think I actually feel more anxiety about going home than I did about coming to New Zealand... I don't know how it turned out that way since for so much of my trip I dreamt of the day I could go home and be embraced by familiarity.
Now that it is here, though, I feel a foreboding sense of dread. Perhaps it's because it's no longer just a distant dream, and since it has now become reality all those cute little fantasies of arriving in the airport are replaced with surreal images of me sitting in my living room a week from now, looking through my New Zealand photos while, in the next room my mother rests after her chemo treatment. I stay on the couch all night as most of my friends are out of town and the few that aren't are at a Televermin concert, which I will refuse to attend because it's too frustrating trying to fit my new self in with my old life... especially since my old life has moved on without me anyway.
Before now I pictured home as it was a few years ago, not as it is now. The same problem occured when I worked at Channery Hill. I'd always picture home as it was when my parents were still together and before I'd had a broken heart-which seems to take another beating everytime I return. But upon my arrival, time catches up with me, and I realize what I was really looking forward to were only memories.
I suppose this time I'm just trying to prepare myself for hitting that wall of realization.
Here's another aspect of why I may be so anxious:
When coming to New Zealand I had a return ticket. Going back to the US... well, if anything I have a "you must stay" ticket in the form of a college enrollment. I've checked out the Hendrix 2016 facebook page and it is absolutely overwhelming. So many of my classmates "can't wait till Aug. 14!" And they've all been keeping up with orientation details and meeting eachother and e-mailing their roomates... I feel so estranged. And if anything, their eagerness annoys me! There's a little voice in the back of my head saying, "don't you know how much work you'll have to do! How stressed you'll be! How little time you'll have! Stop wishing away your free time!!"
It will be an entirely different world for me. Here, life had very few obligations and I didn't have anyone putting pressure on me to excel academically (which, btw, always ends up being me). And I still sometimes wonder if I would have felt this un-excited if I had chosen Eckerd. But, I have my reasons, and I think with those reasons, I made the right decision.
And the final, obvious reason for my anxiety, is massive international plane travel including immigration and customs. If I actually make it to Nashville by my scheduled arrival time, it will be a miracle.
But enough. Although I spent this entire blog post explaining why it is I may have these negative feelings about coming home, I will wrap up by saying, I am still excited about seeing all of those people I've been missing for so long, even if it means struggling with life dramas. I love you all and I've missed you incredibly. I just wish I could gather you up and bring you into this mostly care-free world. Perhaps it would cure all the broken hearts, all the diseases, all the debt, and all the fear that is amoung us.
This trip has taught me, amoung a vast amount of other lessons, that life doesn't have to be so serious. It's just one life. We all live and die and what happens in between is ultimately irrelevant (except in relation to our mother earth, in which case, we should refrain from hurting her). So have fun, revel in love, take it slow, be kind, and just let the road take you.
And I spose I should remember that, too. My road isn't ending, it's just becoming a little less foreign.
Until I see you, tomorrow (ish),
my love is sent.
SWEET AS, BRO
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
New Zealand birthday
Let me first say this: how the hell did I get to be 19?!? It's all downhill from here. No longer looking forward to getting older. I fear 18 was the last birthday I actually looked forward to. And as I always used to tell melanie and fanny-"I do not have time!"
In any case, my first day of being 19 was pretty beast. Certainly wasn't Fiji, but I think it worked out how it was supposed to as I was able to have some serious one-on-one time with New Zealand, who's been my home for the past 4 months.
The day started off pretty lame. It was storming and I had to go out and feed the chickens, then do my usual cleaning chores which today included cleaning the bathroom. Once I finished with all of that I curled up on the couch with some tea and watched the rain and felt a slight bit of pity for myself-being all alone on my birthday. The pity quickly ended once I realized that this was the scenario I'd been wishing for the entire time i'd been traveling-to be able to curl up in a warm home by myself and listen to the rain. Then I enjoyed it!
When the rain came to an end, I took my chance and hiked up to the top of mt. Manganui, waiheke's highest point. Unfortunately I didn't know the best way up, so I ended up climbing through the bush. Some parts were so steep I was crawling, other times the bush was so thick I'd have to squeeze myself between branches. It was an interesting journey, but not altogether pleasant, especially since everything was still wet and muddy from the rain.
You know what I'm goin to say right? "but boy, was it worth it!" I've shed a lot of tears in NZ, but most often because a sight takes hold of my gut and I have no way of expressing my awe in any way other than through my eyes. This was no exception. I could see everything-the entire island, other islands like rangitoto, the mainland and Auckland city, oceans, boats, trees, mountains... I just sat for a long while. Let the clouds pass through me as though I was air, let the wind hit my face and rustle my hair. I felt home again, on top of waiheke island. Perhaps the best part was the rainbow across the way that seemed to stretch from space to the sea! It was massive. I've seen heaps of rainbows in my 19 years, but this was by far the most spectacular.
I finally went back to the house and made dinner for the boys who arrived home with presents! Rachel and Gabe gave me a box of delicious praline chocolates and my very own bottle of Pinot noir from Marlborough. After dinner there was even cake, nothing special-just supermarket cake, but it was delicious. And the boys sang me happy birthday before eagerly and ferociously blowing out the candles (read: spitting on the cake) hah. After cleaning up and watching the girl with the dragon tattoo with Gabe, I had a bit of time to reflect. And in that time I felt nothing but appreciation and excitement for what this year might hold. The only sad part is I won't be in NZ for much of it, which is now a thought that actually makes me sweat. I spent many days looking forward to arriving home, but now that it's in just a couple days I feel nothing but anxiety. I'm sure by the time I'm actually on the plane, that'll go away. Yet still, I can't help but feel a little trapped about coming home since once I'm back I'll only have a little over a month before school starts, which, I'm sorry to say, I am not looking forward to one bit. But I Spose it all comes down to just me not wanting to go back to real life. NZ has been a dream, and with the success of my birthday, it only makes it harder to leave.
All this for now. Until Friday, my love is sent.
See you all soon!
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Final week
Here we are, now at the last week of my New Zealand adventure. I believe I did a pretty good job of explaining my feelings about that in my last post, so in this one I'm just going to look ahead for what's gunna be happening this week.
Yesterday, as I was on my way to the IEP office after a stop at an old-style cafe where I sipped on a moccacino and read the NZ times, I looked across the street and saw a familiar face-Andre! He's the one who had nearly sliced off his hand. It was extremely amusing to me since during our goodbye in Kerikeri he told me that he just assumed that we'd see eachother again, probably in Auckland since that's just how things seemed to work around here. I laughed, but was pretty sure our paths would not cross again. But look at that! He was right... oh what a crazy world. We had a short chat before he hopped on the bus to go to the airport, and this time it was another forever goodbye.
The forever goodbye is awful. While you're going through it you keep telling yourself that you aren't going to see them again, but you never actually beliveve yourself until their gone. And then it hits you that this person with which you spent many months with and created a deep connection with is going to be out of your life forever. But I always end by saying that our paths may cross in future travels, and that is entirely true. The world is a big small place, with surprises around every corner.
Today I will say bye to George and that will be my final painful goodbye. But then tomorrow I am off to waiheke island to wwoof for a small family until the 6th of July! My least favorite part of traveling in this way is over!! I hated not knowing where I was going to sleep the next night, and often having to plan the day as the day comes. A bit of that is good, but not when it is a constant and involves where you're going to live. I'm now totally set until my departure for home. SWEET AS!
Unfortunately, the home I'll be staying with isn't absolutely supreme, in that they basically just want me to help the husband with the kids and the housework while the wife is away for her work. I'll be alone throughout most of the day since the kids will be at daycare and the father will be at work. So I may end up having a very self-reflective birthday. But hey, I can go down to the beach and reflect there! Or to the top of the hill which overlooks all of the islands in the Auckland region. It'll be me and nature for the start of my 19th year, I'd say, that ain't too shabby. ;) And I may still attempt to get a pavlova in celebration. The wife, Rachel, returns home on the 4th so I'll have a couple days of good full family time before I return to Auckland city to do some shopping and tie up a few final threads, such as closing my NZ bank account which, I'm pretty sure, will be nearly empty. :p God, NZ, you are so expensive!
And that will be that. boom. done.
I'm off to go book my ferry ticket to the island then spend a day with my friends that are still in the city. And then, of course, tonight is flight of the conchords! bitchin.
That's right, Joe and Parker, I'm going to see your idols. ;-p be jealous. hahah
my love is sent as always!
Yesterday, as I was on my way to the IEP office after a stop at an old-style cafe where I sipped on a moccacino and read the NZ times, I looked across the street and saw a familiar face-Andre! He's the one who had nearly sliced off his hand. It was extremely amusing to me since during our goodbye in Kerikeri he told me that he just assumed that we'd see eachother again, probably in Auckland since that's just how things seemed to work around here. I laughed, but was pretty sure our paths would not cross again. But look at that! He was right... oh what a crazy world. We had a short chat before he hopped on the bus to go to the airport, and this time it was another forever goodbye.
The forever goodbye is awful. While you're going through it you keep telling yourself that you aren't going to see them again, but you never actually beliveve yourself until their gone. And then it hits you that this person with which you spent many months with and created a deep connection with is going to be out of your life forever. But I always end by saying that our paths may cross in future travels, and that is entirely true. The world is a big small place, with surprises around every corner.
Today I will say bye to George and that will be my final painful goodbye. But then tomorrow I am off to waiheke island to wwoof for a small family until the 6th of July! My least favorite part of traveling in this way is over!! I hated not knowing where I was going to sleep the next night, and often having to plan the day as the day comes. A bit of that is good, but not when it is a constant and involves where you're going to live. I'm now totally set until my departure for home. SWEET AS!
Unfortunately, the home I'll be staying with isn't absolutely supreme, in that they basically just want me to help the husband with the kids and the housework while the wife is away for her work. I'll be alone throughout most of the day since the kids will be at daycare and the father will be at work. So I may end up having a very self-reflective birthday. But hey, I can go down to the beach and reflect there! Or to the top of the hill which overlooks all of the islands in the Auckland region. It'll be me and nature for the start of my 19th year, I'd say, that ain't too shabby. ;) And I may still attempt to get a pavlova in celebration. The wife, Rachel, returns home on the 4th so I'll have a couple days of good full family time before I return to Auckland city to do some shopping and tie up a few final threads, such as closing my NZ bank account which, I'm pretty sure, will be nearly empty. :p God, NZ, you are so expensive!
And that will be that. boom. done.
I'm off to go book my ferry ticket to the island then spend a day with my friends that are still in the city. And then, of course, tonight is flight of the conchords! bitchin.
That's right, Joe and Parker, I'm going to see your idols. ;-p be jealous. hahah
my love is sent as always!
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Back to the Begining
I've come full circle. This morning I arrived back in the Auckland airport after a very short (1 hr) flight that, unfortunately, included a 16 hour wait in the airport. S'all good though. I ended up having a pretty good time as I ran into an old friend from the packhouse who I hadn't seen since Kerikeri. She told me all about how she met Peter Jackson while we sat eating chocolate, and when I fell asleep she tucked me in with her jacket! I miss that type of generosity, you don't see it that often while backpacking, I'm sorry to say.
Anyway, when I arrived in Auckland I had so many flashbacks to March 11 when I first arrived in New Zealand. I was ecstatic at how different it was! My first arrival was horrid, exciting, yes, but overwhelmingly scary. It wasn't until I stepped off the plane that I realized how bizarre coming to NZ without a plan was; wasn't until I passed through customs that I understood why my parents had been so afraid; not until I realized how alone I was that I became inexplainably homesick. I remember you all telling me how brave I was, just taking this trip. But for some reason I didn't comprehend exactly what I was doing. I guess it was just one of my many bizarre imaginitive thoughts that I just happened to put into reality and it wasn't until it became reality that I realized how...mm.. not normal it was. (Not that backpacking isn't normal, but, just arriving somewhere new, totally alone with almost nothing... it's hard to explain.)
As the plane landed this morning, I felt absolutely no fear. In fact, I felt at home! Ready to tackle the shuttlebus to the city, and then the entire city itself. It helped that I had a brunch date with Casper, who is leaving NZ today for Fiji. I can't entirely explain the extreme difference between Mar. 11 and now, it's one of those "you just had to be there" things.
However, now that I'm in the city, I'm eager to return to the airport and head home. Don't get me wrong, I'd absolutely love to spend more time in NZ, but my arrival in Auckland in and of itself acted a sort of end to my trip in a way. It made it more absolute that all the things I would like to do in NZ if I had more time most definitely cannot be done. This isn't an entirely bad feeling. It isn't the same as homesickness as I am still enjoying my time here; it is just a readjustment and a knowledge that I will be absolutely ecstatic on the 6th. I keep picturing my arrival in Nashville and it just fills me with joy. I've missed everyone terribly. And I don't mean to sombre this note, but, in all honesty, I think I much more ready to come home because of my mum's current situation. I didn't know how much the goings-on back home would affect my travel, but I think it touched in a very deep way-it changed my emotional journey as I never really let myself let go of my life in the USA and I do believe that in order to fully immerse yourself in the new experiences of travelling, you must be relatively untied. And trust me, folks, I was tied with double knots for very obvious reasons. This, though, I must assume, has taught me some other very profound lessons about life and myself that I will begin figuring out once I get home.
On the 6th. In 8.5 days.
:-D
(I also keep recreating the image of me being able to hug Cadence first thing on her birthday. This also fills me with unspeakable, often tear-jerking joy)
So, ya better believe it, loves. I'm comin' home!
AND I filed my tax return. I'M SO GROWD UP!
^.^
Anyway, when I arrived in Auckland I had so many flashbacks to March 11 when I first arrived in New Zealand. I was ecstatic at how different it was! My first arrival was horrid, exciting, yes, but overwhelmingly scary. It wasn't until I stepped off the plane that I realized how bizarre coming to NZ without a plan was; wasn't until I passed through customs that I understood why my parents had been so afraid; not until I realized how alone I was that I became inexplainably homesick. I remember you all telling me how brave I was, just taking this trip. But for some reason I didn't comprehend exactly what I was doing. I guess it was just one of my many bizarre imaginitive thoughts that I just happened to put into reality and it wasn't until it became reality that I realized how...mm.. not normal it was. (Not that backpacking isn't normal, but, just arriving somewhere new, totally alone with almost nothing... it's hard to explain.)
As the plane landed this morning, I felt absolutely no fear. In fact, I felt at home! Ready to tackle the shuttlebus to the city, and then the entire city itself. It helped that I had a brunch date with Casper, who is leaving NZ today for Fiji. I can't entirely explain the extreme difference between Mar. 11 and now, it's one of those "you just had to be there" things.
However, now that I'm in the city, I'm eager to return to the airport and head home. Don't get me wrong, I'd absolutely love to spend more time in NZ, but my arrival in Auckland in and of itself acted a sort of end to my trip in a way. It made it more absolute that all the things I would like to do in NZ if I had more time most definitely cannot be done. This isn't an entirely bad feeling. It isn't the same as homesickness as I am still enjoying my time here; it is just a readjustment and a knowledge that I will be absolutely ecstatic on the 6th. I keep picturing my arrival in Nashville and it just fills me with joy. I've missed everyone terribly. And I don't mean to sombre this note, but, in all honesty, I think I much more ready to come home because of my mum's current situation. I didn't know how much the goings-on back home would affect my travel, but I think it touched in a very deep way-it changed my emotional journey as I never really let myself let go of my life in the USA and I do believe that in order to fully immerse yourself in the new experiences of travelling, you must be relatively untied. And trust me, folks, I was tied with double knots for very obvious reasons. This, though, I must assume, has taught me some other very profound lessons about life and myself that I will begin figuring out once I get home.
On the 6th. In 8.5 days.
:-D
(I also keep recreating the image of me being able to hug Cadence first thing on her birthday. This also fills me with unspeakable, often tear-jerking joy)
So, ya better believe it, loves. I'm comin' home!
AND I filed my tax return. I'M SO GROWD UP!
^.^
Monday, June 25, 2012
Work-less work
Somehow I managed to find this place (my current wwoof) where I need to do 5 hrs of work, however, there just isn't enough to do! They said I could do whatever suited me best, but there wasn't even weeding to be done! I ended up hoovering some and hauling wood, but the majority of my day was spent pretending I was doing something... I.e. walking around outside looking for jobs. I probably only did 3 hrs work today. Spose I can't complain...never thought I WOULD complain about not having to work. Guess I'm growin up!
Tomorrow I sleep at the airport. Now to curl up on the couch with a book and some tea and biscuits.
Woes to woahs
After my previous ordeal and many hours spent homeless, I've done a complete 180. By this, I mean I am now living in a home with my own room, a giant bed larger than my parents', my own bathroom, a radio with an NPR-like station which plays classical music, heaps and heaps of delicious, tasty food (including pudding!), sheep, alpaca, chickens, turkeys, cows, ponies, and views that will knock you on your ass. And I get all this for pretty easy work... About 5 hours of raking pine needles today. :-/ I'd rather be weeding or doing something more farm related. That's the only problem, I'm here in the most comfortable place I've ever been in NZ, but I'm bored... In the sense that I'm not really learning anything here. I'm TOO comfortable. It's like being home-I can stay up late sitting on the couch watching movies and eating ice cream. As much as I love doing this, that is not why I'm here. So, strangely, I'm glad that I only have 1-2 more days here. Though I do think if I stayed longer, I may be able to learn something about brewing from mike as he brews his own beer, however, he currently works nights in christchurch, so isn't around much.
But, in any case, I'm making the most of this relaxing respite from the dirty life of a backpacker. I walked up the large hill on the property this afternoon and had an incredible view of the Canterbury plains whose outline was marked by large snow-capped mountains. sorry I have no pictures, i officially have no camera as my iPhone is being a bitch. After my walk, I sat down on the outside patio and read in the sun, then went in for dinner which was a 3 course meal, and am now currently watching dancing with wolfs in my heated bed, sipping on tea.
My next stop is Auckland once this wwoof is over, and then it is home for me. I'm eager, yet not ready at the same time. It'll be quite a shock coming home, I think. It's even weird for me to be here living in the home when I'm used to sleeping either on a dirty mattress in a shack, or in various methods of transport, or in hostels where you can wake up to the man sleeping above you wankin' away. that's it for now. P.S. pudding means dessert here, so by pudding I meant sweet rice and ice cream. :-)
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