When I was younger, for a reason I can no longer fathom, I would look in the mirror and "act." My favorite, erm, skit was a reaction to the death of a loved one--slow shock, denial, some tears. To get to this state I would imagine the news of my mother's death. I realize this is all a bit unorthodox, but it was what I did, and in any case, the mere idea of my mother's death created the most unfathomable emotions
So, in a way, I had prepared for the phone call I received from my mother.
But what I had practiced, all the emotions I had imagined I would feel did not even skim the surface.
I could, in no way, have prepared myself for the news that my mother's cancer had now been found in her liver, signaling the incurable diagnosis of stage IV metastatic cancer.
My mind was foggy and I couldn't let myself think or feel much of anything. I wasn't willing to let it be real yet, and even as I told my dear friends the news, it still wasn't real to me.
And then I went into the woods and once everyone fell asleep, it was just me and the stars and the wind. I had to face it all. Closing my eyes did not bring sleep, just images of my new world. My 20th birthday, spent mourning. My graduation, spent mourning. My wedding, spent mourning. My travels, spent mourning. My accomplishment, my failures, spent mourning. My whole life somehow became a black hole. But how could it not? The one who brought me life is gone, does that not mean my life ends too?
Mercifully, sleep took me after the second hour of replay: a mishmash of tears, faded words of doctors saying "I really think this will be different, I believe you will beat this," goodbyes, flowers.
But a funny thing happens when you sleep. Your mind settles down.
When I awoke, I could see again. The first thing I saw was that my mom was still alive. My mourning was premature and I had given up when hope was at its fullest. I don't mean hope that my mom will survive, because she won't. Neither will I. Nor will any of you. So fuck it. What it is this diagnosis? Just a reminder of the inevitable, only this time the reminder brings action. There is nothing I could wish for more than for my mom to focus on enjoying life, and this, well, this brings the whole enjoying life goal to the forefront. It is now top priority. And as my sister says (a bit more eloquently than I ever could), http://tigerbug.blogspot.com/2013/01/mommy.html , I will do everything in my power to help her feel, in her core, the beauty of the world; whether that be a few weeks or a number of years.
I do this because I love her.
I live and love and thrive because of her. I have been taught, through her teaching, that life should be tickled, played with, chased, and adored. Because of her I will not settle for less than what makes me smile.
Because of her I love myself.
Tomorrow I will laugh with her. Tomorrow I will seek her advice. Tomorrow I may cry with her. No matter how many more tomorrows come, I will be thankful for each one.
Welcome to this new dance of life. One in which death is invited in by all, as each one of us will have a solo with the unknown. We will twirl, and it will twirl with us, we'll learn not to fear it, and when we finally get too tired, it will catch us. All those we love will keep dancing, with the added steps we taught them, and in that way we will live on.
