My Hidden Secret

I might-as-well fess up.

I'm feeling very strongly like I made the wrong decision in schools. I dread going to Hendrix and spend most of my time fantasizing about moving to Eckerd in the fall instead of Conway, AR.

Perhaps it is just a case of craving the unattainable, but I can't shake it.

Boo. It just really sucks.

Oh well...

Return to a Foreign Land

I do not know what time it is. All I know is that it is dark and that it smells different. Looks different. Sounds different.

To be honest, I didn't know quite what to expect when returning. I even thought I may not get hit with reverse culture shock since, yes, New Zealand is a different country, but it isn't THAT different. It isn't like returning from Nepal. :p I thought it may be similar to when I returned from Channery Hill since I'd been gone with a similar time-frame, however, I was very wrong.

I walked into my house like a tourist. Everything was new again. I meandered down the hall, taking in the pictures, the paint on the walls, even the creaks the floor made when I stepped on them. It was like walking into a hazy memory. Surprisingly, I was most shocked by my room. I did not recognize it at first, but gradually the smell reminded me it was home.

I believe that perhaps one of the reasons readjusting after coming home is so hard is because when you're traveling to a new country, it is expected that you get used to new things slowly. People know that it may take a few days or even a few months to readjust to your surroundings. When you return home, though, it is expected that you plop right back in, becoming readjusted the moment you step out into your home country's air. But everything is new here, too. And people forget that, or have never known that as it is impossible to understand the way your home becomes foreign unless you've been away for a long while.

So even though my clothes feel restricting, hot, and dirty, I cannot remove them as I am stunned into inaction. I finally took a small tour around the outside of my house to reacquaint myself with Kentucky air. This is perhaps one of the strangest things for me since all of a sudden I went from winter to summer, where the air itself keeps me warm, too warm, in fact. I did not have the bridge of spring to prepare. Though I do feel more content out here. I can, in a way, still feel New Zealand when I'm outside-although it is hidden among the thick muggy atmosphere of the south. Still, I know it is there. 'Twas confirmed when I looked up and saw a shooting star, which I now associate with the deep NZ skies.

Coming home quickly showed me how different I now am. That too, is overwhelming. But, in a good way. I am no longer afraid of many things: being alone, walking down the street at night, dark shadows...though I still hate mosquitoes (mozzies).

With all of this, I can feel my heart beating 1000 times per minute. It beats because everything is familiar in a way that seems lost. It beats because when I smell the hot night air my mind and heart erupt in vivid memories of past summers that will never return. It beats because I feel as though my home has turned into "the persistance of memory" and I am walking through it. It beats because I am excited.

About seeing everything in daylight-
About each new day where I can explore the unfamiliar familiar-
About learning something new about myself-
About continuing my travels, right here in my backyard... literally.

I am excited.

Oh, there is so much to explore!

In LAX

Sitting in LAX about to board my flight to Denver. I'm back in the USA. I just smile to myself, laugh a little, and turn my face into my palms so no strangers can see my tears. I did it. I went to NZ. I thrived. I'm back.


 Wow

This should be profound.

But I don't think I can muster it. If only because I feel so incredibly anxious about going home, I'm not quite in a "reflecting" mood since that will just increase my sweat.
I think I actually feel more anxiety about going home than I did about coming to New Zealand... I don't know how it turned out that way since for so much of my trip I dreamt of the day I could go home and be embraced by familiarity.

Now that it is here, though, I feel a foreboding sense of dread. Perhaps it's because it's no longer just a distant dream, and since it has now become reality all those cute little fantasies of arriving in the airport are replaced with surreal images of me sitting in my living room a week from now, looking through my New Zealand photos while, in the next room my mother rests after her chemo treatment. I stay on the couch all night as most of my friends are out of town and the few that aren't are at a Televermin concert, which I will refuse to attend because it's too frustrating trying to fit my new self in with my old life... especially since my old life has moved on without me anyway.

Before now I pictured home as it was a few years ago, not as it is now. The same problem occured when I worked at Channery Hill. I'd always picture home as it was when my parents were still together and before I'd had a broken heart-which seems to take another beating everytime I return. But upon my arrival, time catches up with me, and I realize what I was really looking forward to were only memories.

I suppose this time I'm just trying to prepare myself for hitting that wall of realization.

Here's another aspect of why I may be so anxious:

When coming to New Zealand I had a return ticket. Going back to the US... well, if anything I have a "you must stay" ticket in the form of a college enrollment. I've checked out the Hendrix 2016 facebook page and it is absolutely overwhelming. So many of my classmates "can't wait till Aug. 14!" And they've all been keeping up with orientation details and meeting eachother and e-mailing their roomates... I feel so estranged. And if anything, their eagerness annoys me! There's a little voice in the back of my head saying, "don't you know how much work you'll have to do! How stressed you'll be! How little time you'll have! Stop wishing away your free time!!"

It will be an entirely different world for me. Here, life had very few obligations and I didn't have anyone putting pressure on me to excel academically (which, btw, always ends up being me). And I still sometimes wonder if I would have felt this un-excited if I had chosen Eckerd. But, I have my reasons, and I think with those reasons, I made the right decision.

And the final, obvious reason for my anxiety, is massive international plane travel including immigration and customs. If I actually make it to Nashville by my scheduled arrival time, it will be a miracle.

But enough. Although I spent this entire blog post explaining why it is I may have these negative feelings about coming home, I will wrap up by saying, I am still excited about seeing all of those people I've been missing for so long, even if it means struggling with life dramas. I love you all and I've missed you incredibly. I just wish I could gather you up and bring you into this mostly care-free world. Perhaps it would cure all the broken hearts, all the diseases, all the debt, and all the fear that is amoung us.

This trip has taught me, amoung a vast amount of other lessons, that life doesn't have to be so serious. It's just one life. We all live and die and what happens in between is ultimately irrelevant (except in relation to our mother earth, in which case, we should refrain from hurting her). So have fun, revel in love, take it slow, be kind, and just let the road take you. 

And I spose I should remember that, too. My road isn't ending, it's just becoming a little less foreign.


Until I see you, tomorrow (ish),

my love is sent.



SWEET AS, BRO

New Zealand birthday

Let me first say this: how the hell did I get to be 19?!? It's all downhill from here. No longer looking forward to getting older. I fear 18 was the last birthday I actually looked forward to. And as I always used to tell melanie and fanny-"I do not have time!" In any case, my first day of being 19 was pretty beast. Certainly wasn't Fiji, but I think it worked out how it was supposed to as I was able to have some serious one-on-one time with New Zealand, who's been my home for the past 4 months. The day started off pretty lame. It was storming and I had to go out and feed the chickens, then do my usual cleaning chores which today included cleaning the bathroom. Once I finished with all of that I curled up on the couch with some tea and watched the rain and felt a slight bit of pity for myself-being all alone on my birthday. The pity quickly ended once I realized that this was the scenario I'd been wishing for the entire time i'd been traveling-to be able to curl up in a warm home by myself and listen to the rain. Then I enjoyed it! When the rain came to an end, I took my chance and hiked up to the top of mt. Manganui, waiheke's highest point. Unfortunately I didn't know the best way up, so I ended up climbing through the bush. Some parts were so steep I was crawling, other times the bush was so thick I'd have to squeeze myself between branches. It was an interesting journey, but not altogether pleasant, especially since everything was still wet and muddy from the rain. You know what I'm goin to say right? "but boy, was it worth it!" I've shed a lot of tears in NZ, but most often because a sight takes hold of my gut and I have no way of expressing my awe in any way other than through my eyes. This was no exception. I could see everything-the entire island, other islands like rangitoto, the mainland and Auckland city, oceans, boats, trees, mountains... I just sat for a long while. Let the clouds pass through me as though I was air, let the wind hit my face and rustle my hair. I felt home again, on top of waiheke island. Perhaps the best part was the rainbow across the way that seemed to stretch from space to the sea! It was massive. I've seen heaps of rainbows in my 19 years, but this was by far the most spectacular. I finally went back to the house and made dinner for the boys who arrived home with presents! Rachel and Gabe gave me a box of delicious praline chocolates and my very own bottle of Pinot noir from Marlborough. After dinner there was even cake, nothing special-just supermarket cake, but it was delicious. And the boys sang me happy birthday before eagerly and ferociously blowing out the candles (read: spitting on the cake) hah. After cleaning up and watching the girl with the dragon tattoo with Gabe, I had a bit of time to reflect. And in that time I felt nothing but appreciation and excitement for what this year might hold. The only sad part is I won't be in NZ for much of it, which is now a thought that actually makes me sweat. I spent many days looking forward to arriving home, but now that it's in just a couple days I feel nothing but anxiety. I'm sure by the time I'm actually on the plane, that'll go away. Yet still, I can't help but feel a little trapped about coming home since once I'm back I'll only have a little over a month before school starts, which, I'm sorry to say, I am not looking forward to one bit. But I Spose it all comes down to just me not wanting to go back to real life. NZ has been a dream, and with the success of my birthday, it only makes it harder to leave. All this for now. Until Friday, my love is sent. See you all soon!