This should be profound.

But I don't think I can muster it. If only because I feel so incredibly anxious about going home, I'm not quite in a "reflecting" mood since that will just increase my sweat.
I think I actually feel more anxiety about going home than I did about coming to New Zealand... I don't know how it turned out that way since for so much of my trip I dreamt of the day I could go home and be embraced by familiarity.

Now that it is here, though, I feel a foreboding sense of dread. Perhaps it's because it's no longer just a distant dream, and since it has now become reality all those cute little fantasies of arriving in the airport are replaced with surreal images of me sitting in my living room a week from now, looking through my New Zealand photos while, in the next room my mother rests after her chemo treatment. I stay on the couch all night as most of my friends are out of town and the few that aren't are at a Televermin concert, which I will refuse to attend because it's too frustrating trying to fit my new self in with my old life... especially since my old life has moved on without me anyway.

Before now I pictured home as it was a few years ago, not as it is now. The same problem occured when I worked at Channery Hill. I'd always picture home as it was when my parents were still together and before I'd had a broken heart-which seems to take another beating everytime I return. But upon my arrival, time catches up with me, and I realize what I was really looking forward to were only memories.

I suppose this time I'm just trying to prepare myself for hitting that wall of realization.

Here's another aspect of why I may be so anxious:

When coming to New Zealand I had a return ticket. Going back to the US... well, if anything I have a "you must stay" ticket in the form of a college enrollment. I've checked out the Hendrix 2016 facebook page and it is absolutely overwhelming. So many of my classmates "can't wait till Aug. 14!" And they've all been keeping up with orientation details and meeting eachother and e-mailing their roomates... I feel so estranged. And if anything, their eagerness annoys me! There's a little voice in the back of my head saying, "don't you know how much work you'll have to do! How stressed you'll be! How little time you'll have! Stop wishing away your free time!!"

It will be an entirely different world for me. Here, life had very few obligations and I didn't have anyone putting pressure on me to excel academically (which, btw, always ends up being me). And I still sometimes wonder if I would have felt this un-excited if I had chosen Eckerd. But, I have my reasons, and I think with those reasons, I made the right decision.

And the final, obvious reason for my anxiety, is massive international plane travel including immigration and customs. If I actually make it to Nashville by my scheduled arrival time, it will be a miracle.

But enough. Although I spent this entire blog post explaining why it is I may have these negative feelings about coming home, I will wrap up by saying, I am still excited about seeing all of those people I've been missing for so long, even if it means struggling with life dramas. I love you all and I've missed you incredibly. I just wish I could gather you up and bring you into this mostly care-free world. Perhaps it would cure all the broken hearts, all the diseases, all the debt, and all the fear that is amoung us.

This trip has taught me, amoung a vast amount of other lessons, that life doesn't have to be so serious. It's just one life. We all live and die and what happens in between is ultimately irrelevant (except in relation to our mother earth, in which case, we should refrain from hurting her). So have fun, revel in love, take it slow, be kind, and just let the road take you. 

And I spose I should remember that, too. My road isn't ending, it's just becoming a little less foreign.


Until I see you, tomorrow (ish),

my love is sent.



SWEET AS, BRO