fuente de la juventud

When people ask me if I'm excited about Evergreen I never know how to answer.

I am, of course. It is my safety net... the portal that shoots me back into a realm where youthful chaos is so easily harnessed. That beautiful inconsistency of life keeps me not just awake, but alive.

I can't help but fear the day when I lose that safety net for good. I've learned I can't harness that chaos on my own; so when I fall back into the routine of nights that bleed into one another, with pints of ice cream slowly building on my small frame, is that where I stay? I cannot end up here. It's okay for now, but I swear this is not living.

So, yeah, I'm excited about heading back to college. But shaky and desperate as well, cuz I'm playing the last card I've got. I don't know what happens after.

A sentiment from a wise movie character: I've already gone to college, gotten married, divorced, had a baby and that baby is grown. So now what's left for me? What do I have to look forward to? Being a grandmother and then that's it. Then it's death, that's my next benchmark. Life moves unforgivingly fast.

I don't want my life to turn into benchmarks. Somehow it already has. I will be saved from it this time. But the next?

Outer Peace, Inner Turmoil

The tumult is over–
walking along for twenty years
on fraying tight rope.
I've made it to the other side
and the rope is broken, gone.
Now I must get down from the platform,
and fall from the clouds.
Never knew the joy of that fear
until there was nothing left to be afraid of.

In a twister, I was spinning,
wishing for peace,
waiting for calm.
In the end I was dropped where I began.
The birds now sing of calm air,
a gentle breeze rustles my hair.
The sunlight exposes
the damage.
I sit on the ruins of my house.
The foundation is all that's left.
I meditate on the peace I once wished for.
I feel it surround me.
I wish for something new.
I wait to spin again.