And The Adventures of... Depression?

Today at work I was practicing a Salmon in the Classroom presentation in which I used my hand to remember five salmon types. I looked down at my ring finger, which is used to remember silver salmon, as silver is often worn on that finger, and I noticed my mother's wedding ring. I then remembered that my mom was dead, somewhat suddenly, and began to cry until I heard the printer start up and immediately pretended to be on the phone so that the person who came to pick up their stuff wouldn't notice.

After work, in an effort to make my life less depressing, I found a meetup that looked pretty fun hosted at a brewery an hour away where you could choose between brews such as the campfire and peanut butter brew. I wrote a message to say I was new to the group, but was excited about coming and would be late and the response was: "okay." At this response I surmised that the organizer likely hated me, preferred I didn't come, and if I did go, everyone would just pretend to enjoy the fact that I was there. So, I didn't go.
...I think I have a problem.
And, I'm a master at self sabotage.

In an effort to drown my sorrows of crippling social anxiety, I opened, for the first time, a recipe book exclusively filled with chocolate recipes. As I flipped through it I realized that what I really wanted was the melting chocolate cake recipe that is my go-to in chocolate-craving times. Another flip revealed a notecard with that exact recipe written in my mother's hand.
I don't have enough eggs.

The End.

In other news, my nieces are hilarious:

Mini Memoir Spurred by College Application Prompt

Ironically, I was quite put off by Evergreen when I first toured the campus back in 2010, at the young age of 17. I didn't know yet any of my passions, who I would become, how much Evergreen's unique approach to learning would end up aligning with the way I pursued knowledge and change within myself. I only knew that I wanted to move to the Pacific Northwest and deep down I knew I wasn't really ready to go to college-the true reason for my lack of excitement while touring various colleges that fall. So, I took a gap year and fell in love with the ebbs and flows of agriculture, learning that I would not feel fulfilled unless I spent my life toiling in the dirt growing food for anyone I could. I learned I could fly to a country completely unknown to me with nothing but a backpack and a three-night reservation in a hostel and could thrive. Unfortunately, I also learned while working and traveling through New Zealand, that my mother was re-diagnosed with breast cancer and so I learned the terrifying yet liberating truth that plans and paths can drop and change in a second.

I had my heart set on a school in Florida, but with the news of my mother's cancer, I ultimately decided that Hendrix College, an easy seven-hour drive from home, was the best option. It was not the wrong choice–I met people who helped lead me toward who I would become, created ties with professors that would last a lifetime, and opened my mind to the possibility that learning in school did not have to hurt, but could in fact be truly enjoyed.  I was just getting into the groove of college the first semester of my sophomore year, having finally finished my four-year college plan when I got the call that my mom's health had plummeted. I left immediately to be with her and was blessed with three more weeks of her company before she passed on Oct. 27, 2013 at the age of 57. Despite knowing the inevitability of my mother's death, I was still taken off-guard. At 20, I entered a world of independence that was shrouded in grief. My friends, professors, and therapist helped me through and I finished another semester at Hendrix as a part time student, focusing my efforts on an anthropological study of grief in southern American culture, integrating my own personal experiences with data I was collecting.

I withdrew from Hendrix permanently in 2014, following my gut feeling that I would do better with some space to breath rather than forcing myself to stay on the path I had devised for myself before my mom's death. I knew if I was going to graduate college, it was going to be a conscious decision rather than an adherence to a path society created for me.  It didn't take long for me to start looking into Evergreen again, especially since my yearning to move to the PNW had never ceased. With more research, I was able to see how Evergreen has the ability to assist me the way I am, rather than my having to conform to an institutions' way of learning. I feel form-fitted for Evergreen in a way–knowing now that true feedback spurs me forward more so than grades ever could; knowing now that though my interests lie primarily in agriculture and environmental science, I must have room for those interests to grow and change and space enough to seek other opportunities seemingly unrelated to those disciplines to create a more holistic self; I know now that the costs of college are no joke, and since I provide for myself must choose a school that won't send me into the shackles of student debt for the rest of my life; I know now that a college degree is not an inevitable part of life, but learning is and more than anything right now, I desire to be in a space where people from all backgrounds can pursue their curiosities and I suspect I can find this at Evergreen.