I'm a frazzled dazzled beast without the dazzle. I have no real reason to move and groove, but I do, along with my heart. There's a beat beat beat and I can't figure out why. So here's what I do, or what I try to do, or want to do... except I don't want so never mind. I try to throw myself around the world and find myself or a reason for that beating and I fail. I come back and curl up and continue to die without opposition except for my skin staying tight. I think and I think and that's all I can do. I can love sometimes, too, but I've been told if you can only love others and not yourself it's not worth it–so I guess that's wrong too.
What if all I want is to be a wife or a mother? It goes against everything I've lived for and I can't give in to that life that degrades women, puts them in their place, and gives me no life of my own. I must have been conditioned by society, family, you. Fuck you and fuck all of that I'll slap the pan out of your hand and watch the glasses smash. No really, that IS what I want! Go to my room and rip everything. Become my own tornado and create a mess I have to clean rather than a past I have to sort through.
I'm fluids and bones and brain and body. Or stars. Whichever it is I'm still heavy, I still sink with the weight of no desire. I've been told I should find God and then I will feel lifted. I've been told I should find God by people who don't believe. Perhaps that means I'm hopeless. My mind is infinite space and I can't see the end and I can't get it to slow down... like two mirrors looking at each other, parallel. I can get locked in there, amid all the words that only have the meaning I've been taught, I can't even twist my prison and decorate with fancy misconstructions of what is because all I have is input and any output from me would be the same. Adderral is scary for it makes me forget of anything outside my skull. Sometimes I don't even make connections between words.
I write like this because I think like this and it sucks for me and you. Maybe next time I will fit it into squares so then we can relate.
