When people ask me if I'm excited about Evergreen I never know how to answer.
I am, of course. It is my safety net... the portal that shoots me back into a realm where youthful chaos is so easily harnessed. That beautiful inconsistency of life keeps me not just awake, but alive.
I can't help but fear the day when I lose that safety net for good. I've learned I can't harness that chaos on my own; so when I fall back into the routine of nights that bleed into one another, with pints of ice cream slowly building on my small frame, is that where I stay? I cannot end up here. It's okay for now, but I swear this is not living.
So, yeah, I'm excited about heading back to college. But shaky and desperate as well, cuz I'm playing the last card I've got. I don't know what happens after.
A sentiment from a wise movie character: I've already gone to college, gotten married, divorced, had a baby and that baby is grown. So now what's left for me? What do I have to look forward to? Being a grandmother and then that's it. Then it's death, that's my next benchmark. Life moves unforgivingly fast.
I don't want my life to turn into benchmarks. Somehow it already has. I will be saved from it this time. But the next?
Wow you and I have much in common. I'm returning to school and have backpacked through Europe as well. I'd love a coversatio with you.
ReplyDeleteKelly, You are an intelligent, talented, and fiercely courageous woman! You have your whole life ahead of you and you can do whatever you put your heart and mind to. Life is interesting in that all of our experiences come together to make this unique and wonderful you and you will be able to convert all of those experiences to do something great. Even those things that you may have thought were mistakes or misfortune. Everyone has doubts and fear. Fear will tell it is all or nothing, but fear's purpose is to stop you from being the great and wonderful woman you are and are on your way to becoming. I can only tell you what works for me and I believe it can work for you as I grew up with so many of the same fears that haunted me for many, many years.
ReplyDeleteGratitude and listing what you are grateful for along with focusing on what you want and where you want to go can drive out the fear. Use this time to find and follow your passion. Create your own mantras and repeat them several times throughout the day to reinforce your vision. It is called the power of attraction. You are drawn to and draw things to you based upon what you are focused on and your vision for your life. You don't need to know where you are going or how you are going to get there, just be open to the possibility and it will find you or you will know where to look to find it. It is the law of attraction. You are full of possibility. Going back to school will be wonderful, keep yourself open to attracting all that is good!
Love, (( )) Anne