I'm overwhelmed.
Overwhelmed as my date of departure glides nearer; overwhelmed as I come closer to stepping into my unmapped future.
Leaving the farm will be much more difficult than I anticipated. Back in August, when I first arrived, I looked at my calendar, willing it to suddenly drop September from its list of months. Three months seemed just too long. I was going through some "leaving the nest" anxiety and I couldn't fathom how I would ever feel as comfortable here as I did at home.
Yet somehow those three months passed without any time for me to realize that this place was not only comfortable for me, but it was becoming my new home. I didn't know it was that simple to enter into someone else's house and feel as part of the family.
But stronger than the personal connections I've made here is the part of me that craves this lifestyle. On a whim, a hopeful desire to discover my interests, I interned on this farm. Yet because of that, a piece of my soul was revealed to me.
There is a purpose to life when I'm here. A purpose that I can see and feel. I play God in many respects–choosing what to bring to life and what life to end. And I care deeply about each of those decisions because every single one of them is important. A farmer has to care for much more than just his or herself. He is responsible for every living thing he creates. Every plant, animal, bug…. And on top of that it is his/her job to feed the world. And that is no small task.
Yet still, beyond even that–my love of the work and my feeling of purpose–the piece of my soul that has been unearthed has a deeper root. A root that is forever entwined with the land. It makes sense that my time here has been void of the negativity that used to cloud my head. I am human, after all. This is what I was made for. Sustaining myself and, if possible, sustaining others.
In a very strange sense I can feel my long-forgotten ancestors within me, helping me move, helping me breathe, helping me live with this world. And that is exactly what I am doing. I no longer simply live in this world–a force moving against her. I live with her; taking what she gives, but giving back as much as I can, leaving her unharmed and hopefully even more beautiful than I found her.
I used to say that I didn't believe in soul mates, yet I now believe that I've found mine. Earth, this planet that breathes life and beauty, is my true love. She is a gift I have learned to cherish and my deepest sorrow is that many of my fellow kind seem blind to the unending love and splendor that she provides.
So it will be hard to step out of touch with the land, losing that closeness that I have not found anywhere else. Marveling at the sunset simply doesn't fulfill my lust if I eat food grown in a manner that is harmful to her or to her creations.
And as the date draws nearer I can't help but wonder when I will again be able to exist in this relationship as a partner rather than a leech. When I will be able to give back everything that she deserves. When I can run my hands through the dirt and feel it throb with life. When I can care for the creatures that's she's given me to survive. And when I can love her back with my full being.
My unmapped future is much harder to enter without an answer to these musings. The only thing I know is that my future must hold some form of commitment to the land–a time when I give my full self back to her, to reap what she sows and live within that pattern. It is the only way I will remain sane.
Until then, I must fight for her. I must fight for her because without her I cannot live. Without her nothing can live, not those that see her abundance and her power, nor those that are ignorant to it.
She is my love. She is my passion. She is my world.
And I live for her. My only wish is that others would let themselves feel the love she offers and live for her too.
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