I'm sure you're wondering what the hell this post could be about and what the symbolic meaning behind my ambiguous title could be.
But there is none. There is no path, no reason for those words to be welded together into a structurally sound sentence.
And so with that, I will begin.
College provides a known road to travel, a reason to rise in the morning. It helps to create the same comforting feel that you had at home for 18 long years. Knowing that the place you come home to every night will be your place of rest for the next four years. The building may change, sure, but the place-the campus with the people you know and the schedule you've become accustom-will not. In this way college is just an extension of your years at home. It gives you peace of mind and direction and promises to be a safe haven where you can explore without fear of getting lost alone.
I am not going to that place. And this is why I'm afraid.
Every morning when I wake up in my bed, in the town i've known for 9 years I feel normal. It feels right. I cannot comprehend that there is anything else because for nearly 18 years of my life, the only years I know, I have been here. With my parents. Being secure in the knowledge that they will protect me and provide for me. I was scared when we moved here, away from the only thing I knew as home for 8 years, but at least I had guidance. At least I could cling to the knowledge that it was not really me venturing out into the unknown it was just us, the family, establishing a new familiar.
On occasion, though, I have woken up in this familiar bed and already felt nostalgia for it. It's only happened late in my junior year and throughout my senior year of high school. There are obvious reasons for why this occurs but it isn't the same nostalgia that my classmates feel. They know they'll miss their roots, but they've got a place to go-a new familiar place to make and they, very soon, will know exactly where that is. And they know how they will spend their next four years. For they have applied to college, and that is their path.
I haven't. I have no plan. I have no set desires; I'm just as indecisive as I always have been. And looking down my path I only see a murky haze, that has yet to settle but is quivering with expectation.
When I chose to take this gap year I had my reasons. School has the connotation of pain and force and I have no desire to learn from a desk. Learning has never truly been a passion of mine anyway. It's been a passion of my peers which I have followed down the road of AP courses and stretching to get that A. But I don't feel that I've come away with much, besides a trip to the mental hospital. And sure, I have knowledge but it was a struggle and it isn't something I want to throw myself into right away for the sake of "that's what everyone does," or "that's what you're supposed to do."
But now I'm stuck. I'm stuck with the possibility of doing nothing with a year. Wasting a piece of my life-time I'll never get back.
And I am horrified. I keep going back and forth on my options and always land where I started-knowing these factors:
- I like to knit.
- I don't want to go to college yet.
- I don't want to work a high school level job all year.
- I want to travel out of the country, but the destination has changed several times.
- I have no real means to travel. No program to go with, not enough money to support the urge, no place to stay, no promise of safety.
- I've fallen in love. (This makes it harder for my thoughts to look positively on my next year for I know it's foolish to try to keep this love with me as our paths change and there are no signs that they'll converge again. In other words, I'm almost too focused on ending this love and how much it will hurt, that I'm not putting enough thought into what I'm going to do next year.)
- I'm good at stage managing, but I don't want a career in this.
- I want to go to college eventually, but when I do enter it, i'd like to enter it with a better sense of self, a want to be their, and a direction for my life in mind. I want to spend this year making sure I don't flounder around too much in college...i want to use college for the things I already know I want.
- I want to learn to cook for myself.
- I like to read.
- If money wasn't a factor I wouldn't go to college.
- I really really like movies.
- I love rain.
- I'm scared of many things including a lot of wildlife, so even though I dream of just walking down a nice road and camping out wherever, I'm pretty sure I'd be too scared to do it.
- I'm able to get over most of my fears as long as I have someone I trust with me.
- The only skill I've thought to possess as unique to me is writing. And I'm even starting to question that-I have too perfect of friends. But I do like writing, free-hand. As I'm doing now.
- My friends tell me that they're excited for me, and they know i'll have awesome adventures.
- Most people I've talked to about my gap year support me in it and say, if they could do it over, they would've taken time off before going to college.
- I'd much prefer to take a gap year with a friend then by myself. That way It might not be so scary and alone.
So I'm still stuck. I still have the paradox of having too many options and not enough options at the same time.
I wish I could say I'm taking the path less traveled because I'm not marching straight to the college life, but I'm not on the path.I'm not on any path.
We'll figure something out kiddo. Anxiety and excitement are close cousins, and I have no doubt you'll turn that corner when you're ready. You're a savvy, talented, beautiful young woman of impeccable judgment, with a whole lot of years ahead of you to find your bliss. No hurry, you're gonna be fine. You've fairly earned the love and respect of good friends, and as long as me and your mom and your sister Kate are around, you'll always have safe ports of call to come home to. Love you to pieces.
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