Thankful (old)

Way to go mom, it's been 5 years since that Friday in September.

So, a month or so ago Julie comes up to me and asks: "What are you thankful for?" as a question for the newspaper. I stutter as I normally do with questions that are on the record, and come up with the word friends. I mean, it's simple right? Friends are cool, they give you something to look forward to, to keep your day going. But the problem was I couldn't think of anything else. The other answers I heard around me were great, like music and family, but is that really all I'm thankful for? The basics? I'm not complaining, I'm definitely grateful for such things, but while trying to answer that question it occurred to me that I couldn't think of much of anything that I was thankful for.

My earlier blog that I wrote a few weeks ago dealt with my feelings on the Holidays and what they are like now, as I get older. Sure, it was a bit overdramatic but the fact still stands that things in my life are changing and I am getting older, but looking back on that I think, am I being selfish? "I can't be thankful for what I have, I need more." That's something I look down upon, so it upset me.

Today in health we talked about Cancer, and eventually got to the subject of breast cancer. Mrs. Correa explained that doctors may have to do a mastectomy (removal of the breast) in order to get rid of the malignant tumor. She phrased it as we either take the breast, or it's your life. This brought me back to last fall, when that was the choice my own mother had to make, and with that memory came a few tears that I tried desperately to cover up during class. But why am I crying? Look at what I have, what I have to be thankful for.

I get a message from Zach, asking what I'm doing for Thanksgiving, and I start to explain that it's going to be the same boring, "wake up and watch the parade, eat turkey… or game hens, and just be with my parents, bored." Then I heard my mom in my head, saying that no matter what this Thanksgiving was obviously going to be better than last year, because last year she had no appetite because of the chemo. I typed that out to him, and when I read over the message realized what I should have said that day when Julie came up and asked, "What are you thankful for?"

Here's what I'm really thankful for. I'm thankful, yes, for my friends, music, family, the food, etc… But I'm so massively thankful for the good health of my family, namely my mom, the survivor. One Friday in September I found out my mom had been diagnosed with breast cancer, the road ahead was bumpy and the future seemed so morbid. After they performed the mastectomy she was started on chemo, which was hard for her and my family. Her loss of energy and her change of appearance was a constant reminder that there was still a long road ahead, or maybe just a short road with a dead end. Nothing was for sure. She kept persisting though, and kept strong through it all. She still went into work more often than she needed (and probably should've) and was stronger than any I've seen. I think she had to have something that seemed normal, and going to work was definitely something usual, something normal to her. Unfortunately though, one of her chemo rounds was scheduled quite close to Thanksgiving, and her loss of appetite and strength made for a depressing holiday. She tried hard though, to make it normal, for me and my dad. She's so selfless and so strong. She made it through the surgery, the chemo, the radiation, the loss of strength, the hair loss, the agony of never knowing. She's still here today, healthy, ready for another, non-chemo Thanksgiving. Her journey was one I don't know if I could've made. She's so strong, I look up to her with such idolizing eyes. I love her more than most can know, and look back on that Friday, that started it all, and think, "what doesn't kill ya makes you stronger!" It's true.

I'm thankful for the good health of Cadence, Kate, My father, James, and my Grandparents. And I'm thankful for My Mom. The one whose strength kept her going, the one whose love is unconditional, the one who never gave up. And the one who made it through that long journey, that's still standing here today, healthy and amazing.

I Love you Mom.

I'm thankful for you.

And to change, since I wrote this my Grandfather, Ed, passed away this past October. He was taken by a very agressive cancer almost certainly caused by agent orange (used during the vietnam war-joining to my other note of hating war), and we all miss him dearly.
I'm thankful for him, too. That he took care of my grandma and father after an original loss. That he did love and the way in which he did so. And every quiet, happy memory I have of him.
I Love you too, Grandpa Ed.