Those Sweet Nothings of Forever Were Misguided

There is a knowledge with grief so large that when the tumult has actually happened it takes awhile to sink in. A big loss can lay in wait and take awhile to smack you. In my life, I would sometimes go a month or so without much communication with my mother, being in college, entering my twenties, I was pulling away from both of my parents as their ways finally began to embarrass me and I tried to find my own way.

But then in January, 2 months after my mother had died, I realized it was the longest I had ever gone without talking to her.

It is now going on 5 months, 2 more months have passed without her presence, and it has not gotten easier, as many grief pamphlets say it will, it has just gotten worse as the things I have not been able to share with her pile up.

Today I went to New Orleans for Mardi Gras, mom. I sat on Caiti's shoulders and screamed at floats to throw me beads and I walked for miles with my friends trying to get home from the crazy French quarter; we even made friends with a drunken man just let out of the hospital who walked about a mile with us without any shoes.

Today I started watching Game of Thrones again. Remember when I told you we should watch them simultaneously so that we could talk about the episodes on the weekends when I had time to call you? I still like the books better.

Today in boxing class I learned a new punch, the hook I'm pretty sure it's called. I don't think I'm getting much better at boxing, but when I have good days at the gym everything feels fulfilling.

Today I went to Little Rock with some of my friends to go shopping at the farmer's market, asian store and hispanic store. The farmer's market ended up being closed because there was a St. Patrick's day parade that we serendipitously arrived just in time for. It was an extremely eclectic parade with motorcycles, cars, horses, ponies, a mule, firetrucks, and people throwing out candy and beads. I got so excited that I screamed every time I got a bead or a piece of candy... especially the rare chocolates.

Today is Miss Hendrix, the drag show at our school, but I do not think I will go because even when all of these beautiful events have been occurring your beautiful absence has been unshakable and now it grips me quite forcefully as I touch your face in a picture or remember that this is forever. Maybe not how I feel at this moment, but your absence will never cease. To answer what it is like to lose someone you love, it is finally feeling forever.