A most likely unexpected subject

In these early mo(u)rning hours of October 27th, I would like to talk about my cat.

I have argued for years now that she is indeed the best cat to have ever existed and I will continue to stand by that claim for the years to come. 

Jewels is a spritely little thing, feisty to the core –enough to have her vet chart marked so as to alert everyone that if her blood is to be drawn, she is to go under–and as affectionate as can be. She is a perfectly well-balanced bundle of love and ferociousness... and cute. 

The hearts of all my friends have been won, in one way or another, by her personality and purrs. The heart of my dog, Pepper, has also been won by this wondrous little cat who walks with us to the end of the driveway on walks and then sits and yowls until we come back. She is definitely an independent part of the pack. 

She is also my baby, my 10-year old baby. I love her so deeply it has worried me, as I've always known I would lose her before I was ready. 

Sure enough, she has kidney failure, and will not be here this time next year to insistently lay on me while I wrestle with the confusion of having lived without the presence of my mother for another whole year. She will be gone far too soon, far too young, similar to my mom.

I know pet grief is harder to understand, because, really, it's just a cat. But fuck that, because it is truly losing another dear dear member of my close family. 

"I can't lose you. I need you to help me get through this. If you died soon, I don't know what I would do."

–A short conversation with my cat upon first returning to Bowling Green after my mother's passing

Yes, I now grapple with the guilt of feeling so torn up about the forthcoming loss of my cat during this particularly poignant time that should be focused on my mother and what it  means for her to have been gone for an entire year. 

But I know my mother would understand. 

She would cry with me. She would know that grief can both mingle and layer and added feelings do not remove others. 

I still remember and currently have particularly strong feeling-memories of what took place last year. I could never forget–the pain, the relief, the "perfect chaos" as I said that night. Now it is just, everything.  One can always feel deeper and wider. Our emotional beings are quite expansive, as you know... or as you'll see. My cat, my mother... I love them both so much, I wish these loved ones would stay put for awhile. 

I just thank Godallahbuddahshiva everything everything and the universe that my cat can die peacefully instead of going through a long, drawn out, and painful death, a dignity my mother did not quite get.