The savior (old)

Savior

Thanksgiving.
Signifies cooperation, trust, compassion, and will to live.
That of course somehow translates to a large plethora of family values, giving thanks to god and other main figures that fit close to our hearts, which ironically doesn’t usually encompass the Native Americans, and an over surplus of food.
Family Values.
Can be great, if you have the patience to understand them and make them work and if absolutely everyone has the will to make them work. It can be great. But in many cases the quintessential idea of a thanksgiving meal is seen only in minds.
Even the quintessential idea of a train-wrecked thanksgiving meal is so far off it seems to only happen in tales.
If drinking chardonnay alone after a once in a lifetime sit down meal that lasted about 10 minutes is what American’s yearn for-we’d be set.

It’s the usual story of the gravy gone wrong, forgetting to buy whipped cream for the pie, and fighting in the kitchen as it all spirals down. In the movie version there would be a touching moment to tie everything together, to show some kind of moral.
But not here, in real life where tensions still run high. There are reasons for this.
Depression emanates through the season and only seems to get stronger because of the contrasts it takes on against the “jolly” time. However depression is not depicted in these movies because it’s too boring without the rush of blood or the comical drama of therapy. This is perhaps how there can be a touching moral to the story, because almost everything can be quickly mended except depression.
You can’t blame yourself for anything that goes wrong, for that will just make your world a little darker-so when the wrong juice is poured into the gravy mixture and the beans aren’t made and nothing is quite right, it isn’t your fault-it’s theirs. “Theirs” being either a member or the whole family. And when the blame gets thrown argument emerges, whether or not that’s what you intended.

And that’s what tips it off. If the tensions are high and the feelings aren’t happy then why bother having a long conversation while slowly eating the food that everyone knows could have been better if someone had just paid attention?
So it is eaten in almost total conversational silence while the mind wonders how life got to be so dreary instead of thinking of giving thanks.
From this hell, a full glass of chardonnay can save you though. While the others clear the dishes the strained silence finally turns to the peaceful silence of a single person, not trying to keep the intensity of topic low. It warms your mouth with that burning sensation and keeps your thought processes regressing to the times before the best part of thanksgiving was slipping into bed.
There was always a party, back at school right around the national holiday. Some kids would dress up as pilgrims and others as the “Indians”. I always brought wild rice.
I used to never watch the Macy’s day parade too, for I was always busy having fun and reacquainting myself with my mother’s second cousins. We would go to their house every year on this day. It was a large family meal that almost fit the picturesque thanksgiving. Now though the main thing I look forward to is that drawn out parade. It doesn’t raise my spirits, but it gives me something at least a little festive for me to do.
The contrasts hurt the most, I think, between the time when I wasn’t even allowed to drink alcohol to now.
It was better before the alcohol.

But as I said, it saves me.

This is my favorite peice of photography that was actually done by me.

I can knit and I'm afraid.

I can knit and I'm afraid.

I'm sure you're wondering what the hell this post could be about and what the symbolic meaning behind my ambiguous title could be.
But there is none. There is no path, no reason for those words to be welded together into a structurally sound sentence.
And so with that, I will begin.

College provides a known road to travel, a reason to rise in the morning. It helps to create the same comforting feel that you had at home for 18 long years. Knowing that the place you come home to every night will be your place of rest for the next four years. The building may change, sure, but the place-the campus with the people you know and the schedule you've become accustom-will not. In this way college is just an extension of your years at home. It gives you peace of mind and direction and promises to be a safe haven where you can explore without fear of getting lost alone.
I am not going to that place. And this is why I'm afraid.

Every morning when I wake up in my bed, in the town i've known for 9 years I feel normal. It feels right. I cannot comprehend that there is anything else because for nearly 18 years of my life, the only years I know, I have been here. With my parents. Being secure in the knowledge that they will protect me and provide for me. I was scared when we moved here, away from the only thing I knew as home for 8 years, but at least I had guidance. At least I could cling to the knowledge that it was not really me venturing out into the unknown it was just us, the family, establishing a new familiar.

On occasion, though, I have woken up in this familiar bed and already felt nostalgia for it. It's only happened late in my junior year and throughout my senior year of high school. There are obvious reasons for why this occurs but it isn't the same nostalgia that my classmates feel. They know they'll miss their roots, but they've got a place to go-a new familiar place to make and they, very soon, will know exactly where that is. And they know how they will spend their next four years. For they have applied to college, and that is their path.

I haven't. I have no plan. I have no set desires; I'm just as indecisive as I always have been. And looking down my path I only see a murky haze, that has yet to settle but is quivering with expectation.
When I chose to take this gap year I had my reasons. School has the connotation of pain and force and I have no desire to learn from a desk. Learning has never truly been a passion of mine anyway. It's been a passion of my peers which I have followed down the road of AP courses and stretching to get that A. But I don't feel that I've come away with much, besides a trip to the mental hospital. And sure, I have knowledge but it was a struggle and it isn't something I want to throw myself into right away for the sake of "that's what everyone does," or "that's what you're supposed to do."
But now I'm stuck. I'm stuck with the possibility of doing nothing with a year. Wasting a piece of my life-time I'll never get back.

And I am horrified. I keep going back and forth on my options and always land where I started-knowing these factors:

• I like to knit.
• I don't want to go to college yet.
• I don't want to work a high school level job all year.
• I want to travel out of the country, but the destination has changed several times.
• I have no real means to travel. No program to go with, not enough money to support the urge, no place to stay, no promise of safety.
• I've fallen in love. (This makes it harder for my thoughts to look positively on my next year for I know it's foolish to try to keep this love with me as our paths change and there are no signs that they'll converge again. In other words, I'm almost too focused on ending this love and how much it will hurt, that I'm not putting enough thought into what I'm going to do next year.)
• I'm good at stage managing, but I don't want a career in this.
• I want to go to college eventually, but when I do enter it, i'd like to enter it with a better sense of self, a want to be their, and a direction for my life in mind. I want to spend this year making sure I don't flounder around too much in college...i want to use college for the things I already know I want.
• I want to learn to cook for myself.
• I like to read.
• If money wasn't a factor I wouldn't go to college.
• I really really like movies.
• I love rain.
• I'm scared of many things including a lot of wildlife, so even though I dream of just walking down a nice road and camping out wherever, I'm pretty sure I'd be too scared to do it.
• I'm able to get over most of my fears as long as I have someone I trust with me.
• The only skill I've thought to possess as unique to me is writing. And I'm even starting to question that-I have too perfect of friends. But I do like writing, free-hand. As I'm doing now.
• My friends tell me that they're excited for me, and they know i'll have awesome adventures.
• Most people I've talked to about my gap year support me in it and say, if they could do it over, they would've taken time off before going to college.
• I'd much prefer to take a gap year with a friend then by myself. That way It might not be so scary and alone.

I've gotten a couple of offers for places to stay, things to do. But I'm afraid of limiting myself, falling into the monotony of everyday life and forgetting of my dreams to travel because I'm thrust into the real world and realize that, realistically, I can't go to iceland and help on a farm, I don't have the means; realistically, I can't go to Greece and work in a hotel in exchange for food and shelter-I don't have the means and this poses too big of a threat for a lone young foreign girl; realistically I can't just get dropped off somewhere in New Zealand and somehow make my way around-finding things to do, places to stay, and things to eat.

So I'm still stuck. I still have the paradox of having too many options and not enough options at the same time.

I wish I could say I'm taking the path less traveled because I'm not marching straight to the college life, but I'm not on the path.

I'm not on any path.

Old poem I found hidden in the back corner of my computer

I earnestly don't remember writing this. I don't know why it was written, how old I was when it was written...nothing like that. It's a little disturbing, but I also think it is kinda good. So, GO!

I always imagined it here.
White tub turned pink with blood.
He walks in and what does he see?
Girl down,
loving sister
no longer quite so living.
Red streams
mixed with screams.
Loud footsteps run.
I can no longer see
hospital gowns
and medicine bags.
Daddy always said the pain would go away.
But where is he now?
Not here to help me, save me.
Comfort me
in his touch,
in his bed.
He said it was love,
but I guess love always fades anyway.

yeah. yeah-ew.

Foreign Exchange?

My best friend left yesterday morning. I won't see her for a year and that will be difficult.

Her name is Alison and she is going to Germany with the Congress-Bundenstag scholarship. And this is her:



I will miss her dearly, and along with her I will also miss my opportunity to travel to a different country my senior year. However, her CIEE coordinator informed her that there were still a bunch of students traveling to the USA Aug-June that need to be placed with host families, otherwise they can't come. So Ali, knowing my yearn to learn about new cultures, sent me the e-mail and my family and I have since begun an application to host one of the many students needing housing.

With all of this foreign exchange talk in the air, I'm begining to realize how desensatized I am to our culture. I take everything that happens in this country as a fact of life, a rule of thumb...I often forget how different things must be in different countries. One of the things I had thought of was our mailing system...I mean, maybe if our foreign exchange student comes here they'll be blown away by the fact that each house has a mailbox that a small truck delivers letters to and that mail doesn't arrive only on Sundays.
Weird, ain't it?

Also the rules and laws we live under here aren't world-wide law. I'm consciously aware of that, but still-thinking about it more it becomes more real.

I really hope I can live in a different country at some point in my life, I just kind of wish it were this year.
But I will keep updating this as we go through the process of possibly hosting a foreign exchange student.

Movie Bliss

I'm the type of person who, ater seeing a particularily moving or well-made movie, becomes wrapped up in it's charm and fills to the brim with the feelings the director tried to erect. And this is what happened ater seeing Julie&Julia. To completely clear the air of what this provoked-I had been totally charmed by the life of the famous Julia Child, and inspired by Julie's blogging success (it also left my taste buds yearning even more to taste the exquisite cuisine known as Lobster Thermidor that I have been wanting to try since my trip to Oregon).

To put that extended explanation in shorter form I will say that I was immersed in movie bliss. To feel as though I have fully experienced everything the movie offered and for at least a short while after it's end, still live in the movie.

For example: After seeing Pan's Labyrinth I was swept into a horriying movie bliss (now there's an oxymoron) where my devastation ran well past the movie's end, and I couldn't even enjoy the choclate festival, where you can essentially get free samples of at least 150 dif. chocolate treats!

Now after being absorbed by this movie with my mother, both of us sitting in the lone back row of the theater, (somewhat annoyed that we had to pay 18 bucks for two) I kept that simple mind and air about me that the world is a wholly inspiring place, as long as you take advantage of the good around you.
Which is why after walking out of the theater all I wanted to do was give my mother a dinner to satisfy her appetite which was, conceivably, greatly inflated by the film. After a few minutes of debating on the best place to do so, we purchased a stuffed pretzel, SAT study book, and the last copy of "Mastering the Art of French Cooking" by Julia Child at Barnes and Noble. And I will take it upon myself to make sure that this becomes a positive project for my mom and I considering everyone in our household is leaving for a long while, so it will just be me and her. A mother-daughter bonding experience that leaves me with some greatly-needed cooking skills.

But the bliss doesn't last long, which in some cases, as the aforementioned exhibits, is good. Therefor I sink back into my world of high and low peaks of cynisicm, yet I will leave this on the high note of knowing that I will soon be partaking in a journey specifically made for "The Serventless American", which is exactly what I want to be.

Inspiration

I'm 16 today. It's nice to be able to say, but I've realized you don't change on the birthday, you change during the ensuing year. Anyway, this will be my first movie post, but I will intersperse quotes found in the 'Sunbeams' area of "The Sun" magazine that I love.

My top movies:
Little Miss Sunshine-I completely adore this director. All the work he has put out that I have seen is incredible. He has also created a very distinct style to recognize him by. This is a hilarious comedy about a family's travels to a beauty pageant for their young daughter. It's heart-warming in the way that it portrays real family life. Most of us would be able to agree that our family is a little out of the ordinary in one way or the other-and this family is no different. The dynamic between the characters is also very genuine and moving. Although the background of all the main characters are revealed early, the type of interaction they all share throughout the movie brings the character development to a whole new level. I would recommend Little Miss Sunshine to anyone who understands the love of a crazy family, or just anyone who wants a good, long laugh. (Rated: R)

"If a white man falls off a chair drunk, it's just a drunk. If a Negro does, it's the whole damn Negro race."-Bill Cosby

Pan's Labyrinth-This is a beautifully made, heart-wrenching Spanish film. Taking place in Spain after the Spanish civil war, it shows the untied ends of the war in guerrilla uprisings and much more bloodshed. Ofelia, the young girl who is comforted by her fantasy imagination, must go through many hardships after her mother marries the persistent captain Vidal who is on a violent mission to stop the Spanish guerrillas fighting against the Franco regime. Besides the fairy tales, the only other comforter for Ophelia in the beginning is her ill and pregnant mother since her father died when Ophelia was young. It's a story filled with wonder, war, and horrifying beauty. To anyone who can appreciate a superbly-made film, or anyone who used to revel in fairy tales, I recommend this to you. (Rated: R)

"There's a stereotype that black people are lazy. I don't know if that's true, but I know white people went all the way to Africa to get out of doing work."-Lance Crouther

Saved!-No, I did no put the exclamation point just because it's really good, it's actually part of the title, but well suited if you ask me. This one holds a story of a girl named Mary at a christian high school battling with her faith due to a SURPRISE! pregnancy. Her biblical name could be symbolism for the fact that now gays (the father of her child) are technically not allowed to have children, therefor he couldn't have gotten her pregnant-so she's a virgin who happens to be with child. This teaches the conflict between the, perhaps not-so-happy, surprises in life and the strict christian morals. It also teaches the great loyalty of friendship. The characters go through a transformation in the viewers' eyes as we learn not to trust first impressions. Sometimes friendships are best when they go through large hardships for it proves the loyalty of each person. A funny drama love-story, this is recommended to people who struggle with their faith or have none, anyone who wants a twist on the usual love-story, or anyone who would enjoy a realistic portrayal of a somewhat thought provoking drama. (Rated: PG-13)

"In this country 'American' means white. Everybody else has to hyphenate."-Toni Morrison

V for Vendetta-"Remember, remember the fifth of November..." Those opening words provide the basis of the plot that an idea is greater and lasts longer than any face, life, or generation. The idea that "government should fear it's people" is harbored by a masked man named V who stands only for that idea. He rescues a women named Evey in one of his terrorist tactics to rile the public to give them control. Evey soon becomes an unlikely, yet needed necessity to spread that idea to the world on November fifth. Although the screenplay was adapted from a graphic novel by David Lloyd, it sports it's own well-directed idea of what the novel should look like. Using well-known actors Hugo Weaving and Natalie Portman they create a movie that inspires the rights of the people. Fascist Britain is undermining it's subjects and setting strict rules throughout the country that intimidates people into following them. The power-hungry chairman is the source of the corrupt government and in turn, is the maker of V. While the story has many twists and turns it leaves viewers feeling more empowered and thoughtful. I would recommend this movie to any deep thinkers or anyone who is willing to be taken into the future to learn how to fix it. (Rated: R)

"There is inherited wealth in this country and also inherited poverty." JFK

The Kite Runner-Set in Afghanistan and America, this tale of redemption is beautifully shot and written. Based on the novel "The Kite Runner" by Khaled Hosseini, it brings to life the challenges of racism faced by Afghans during the dawn of the Russian invasion, challenges that ruin a brotherly friendship for many many years. After Amir, a young boy whose loyalty is questioned while his friend, Hassan, proves his, hears of Hassan's son's troubles, he returns to Afghanistan to redeem himself by showing the huge amount of courage he never could show before. It is one of the most moving films I have ever seen. Recommended to anyone who believes in redemption through selfless acts. (Rated: PG-13)

"Jon Stewart: Your mother is from Kansas. She's a white women. Your father, African. Are you concerned that you may go into the voting booth and...your white half will all of a sudden decide, 'I can't do this.'?
Barack Obama: Yeah, It's a problem."

New Idea

I've decided to try something different for this blog of mine.
It will hopefully become a place where I recommend and disapprove movies for the readers. Think of it as a site you can go to if you have a random urge to see a movie but don't know what to watch. I can direct you to something worthwhile.

So, it will work as follows: I will have a starter post of a review of my top favorite movies, and various lists of other movies that I have seen and enjoyed. It's kind of a cool way to get to know a large part of me (and my family, since I take after them in taste) since I am becoming quite the movie buff.
But it isn't all about me ranting on about how good my tastes are-I would enjoy feedback on what the pros and cons of what I have recommended were for you. I am also open to suggestions about any movies you have seen and would like to share, or just requests for different reviews on different movies. If you want me to add more PG movies or just a different genre or foreign films, I certainly will; all you have to do is respond and say "more PG, Horror, Japanese, etc..." and I will devote a post to that(those) specification(s).

I would love it if this actually works, but I need feedback from you...and hey? if it doesn't work there are plenty of possibilities out there anyway.