Today, for the first time in my life, I got drunk.
Unfortunately, the circumstances were less than superb. I began drinking at 10 am because I had already been awake for two hours, lying in bed, wishing for the sweet relief of death, shaking and sobbing alone and [feeling] deserted. I decided that if I were to kill myself, I would quit my job so they did not worry when I didn't show up and then just drive nowhere, put a pillowcase over my head and shoot myself in the head. I clung to that image like a wet dream, allowing it to build angst within me. Angst at its mere existence and angst that it could not be, not now and likely not ever. But here, let me examine my thoughts:
[Sudden nihilism is a massive bummer. Where does the world go when you realize your reality was made of delusions to keep you going?]
Self-Pity: Nearly all of the pain I felt was due to self pity and the recognition of such made it worse. It's particularly annoying when you get stuck wanting to die, knowing that your only reason for angst is because you're lonely and life isn't living up to your expectations. You don't have any actual challenges... you're just stuck in your own dumb head. Amazingly, thinking this way doesn't help relieve the crushing feeling of self-loathing.
The Key: I kept picturing myself looking at other peoples' lives thinking "the only way to get yourself out of that hole you're in is if you pull yourself out, I can't do a damn thing to help you." So, of course, I know I have my own key. I am the only one who holds to the key to my freedom. Knowing this made my self-loathing EVEN worse because of course, all the blame is then on me and I'm the only one who can solve it. I know if I went outside or joined a frisbee team or ran around I could get out of the funk but the funk is self-hatred and it makes you feel like the only way to be true to yourself is to stay where you are. Plus, you simply can't comprehend interacting with the world in such ways. It sounds so simple, to get yourself out of it, but I promise it isn't easy.
Abandonment: I love people. I love people so much I try to own them, which isn't really a great quality. But they keep moving and I keep moving and eventually I realize I'm standing here alone. I can't call my tried and true loves over to me, they are on different continents, different time zones.... the lives we lead are no longer wrapped together and they might be at work when I'm having a "crisis," leaving me to suffer alone, feeling isolated and abandoned.
Reach Out: Yeah, okay. So, when you're literally at your worst you really REALLY don't feel like reaching out to people who haven't earned your trust in that way, and sometimes you don't even feel like reaching out to the ones who HAVE earned your trust. It doesn't help that you KNOW you are at your worst and most vulnerable and you don't want to be a burden to others. Who wants people around when they are at their worst? I mean, really. Not to mention, most of us have been burned by folks who recoil when we have "episodes" so it's hard to trust that people will just accept our neuroses.
The Dark: It is dark. It's very very dark. It feels like every day you don't want to be alive while simultaneously you can't stand not living life to the fullest. It is being constantly disappointed in yourself. For me, it's wondering where my despair comes from... is it grief? Is it loneliness? Is it perfectionism? Regardless, I end up not respecting myself for feeling such self-pity. I know my privileges, they are many, and my depression makes me feel even more like a loser for feeling bad living in a world where despair runs rampant and I am so fortunate.
The Mask: People probably wouldn't know I struggle with depression. They wouldn't know that I wake up every day feeling a sad realization that a new day has begun and I have to figure out how the fuck to deal with it. I'm generally a pretty up-beat person. I feel highs so fierce I'm sure I annoy some people I encounter. But with the highs come the lows and they are just as fierce. Sometimes when you are feeling low you pretend you aren't because it's easier for you to not have people worried all the time and easier on them to, because it isn't really their job to make sure you're okay. You never wanted that to be their job.
This isn't a cry for help. I cried for help earlier--not on the public world of the web. And now I am better. But I realize a fallout is imminent as that is simply how my family responds to my dark honesty. But despite my first ever drunken stupor, I'm doing okay. I have a blanket of wonderful people who allow me to be me, at all hours when I can reach them. I've made it through this one unscathed, so don't worry. Just rejoice.
But I post this for those who watch the flickering of the images of all those happy, successful lives and wonder why they are failing. You aren't failing, m'dear, you are living in a world made of varying energies and please know it's a blessing to delve into all of your vast emotions so fully. I'm trying to learn and teach that it is okay to not know anything for your whole life. Just experience the world, that is all we can do.
Everyone is talking about recovery. But I'm here to speak candidly about living the sorrows.
Depression is certainly not all I am. I do not exist within dichotomies and singular truths. But still I say, depression runs through my veins the same as my fierce joy about the worlds' infinity.
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